‘Oh no! I’ve got some wrinkles’ 

‘That’s not a problem now 

A little bit of Botox 

But no movement of your brow’


‘I can’t move my eyebrows?’ 

‘No you can’t be surprised 

But you’ll look smooth and young  

And these days that’s what’s prized’ 


‘Oh no! my boobs are sagging’ 

‘Three kids, all breastfed? 

Don’t you be worrying 

You’ll get nipples to point ahead’ 


‘Isn’t it expensive?’ 

‘Don’t worry you can pay it up 

But it’s worth it, don’t you think 

From droopy boobs to a G cup?’ 


Aagh! My teeth are yellow' 

‘And chipped a little too 

And I see silver fillings 

There’s a lot you need to do’ 


Is it really worth it?’ 

‘Are you mad, my dear, of course 

Unless you want to be put out 

Like a knackered old race horse’ 


‘My husband wouldn’t do that’ 

‘But look at your thinning hair 

It makes you look much older 

Six hours in the swivel chair’ 


Doing what takes that much time?’ 

‘Extensions! They’re everywhere 

There’s nobody on TV 

Who still has natural hair'


'Wow! I can’t believe the difference’ 

‘Yes but before you say amen 

You should lose at least two stones 

Size four is the new size ten’ 


But I couldn’t give up a chocolate’ 

'Don’t you worry about that 

The personal trainer/dietician 

Will make sure you’re never fat’ 


‘Oh no! My husband’s left me’ 

‘Well he can’t have been very nice 

Now you’re really amazing 

Before men didn’t look twice’


‘He says I look like Barbie 

I’m not the woman he knew 

And now I owe thousands 

I don’t know what to do. 


Everyone’s so perfect 

In magazines and on TV 

I should have thanked Mother Nature 

For making me like me.’